“Dear considerate Aunt Aggie, I need some advice. I have an embarrassing problem! About a week ago a rash started to appear on my private parts, I don't know where it came from, and I'm too ashamed to go to my doctor here in Liverpool. I haven't let my husband make love to me for the same reason, and he's starting to wonder what's wrong. Of course, I also don't want to pass it on to him. What should I do to get rid of this without him noticing?” — from Mrs X in Merseyside, age 26
Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh how embarrassing for you, what a dilemma. Thankfully, most rashes are usually treated easily with a cream available over the counter at your local pharmacist, and it disappears after a few days.
However, when you try to buy some cream, be expected to be asked some awkward questions by your pharmacist. As I'm sure he wouldn't believe for a second that you "don't know" where you caught it. I may be 49 years young and getting on a bit, but I know what youngsters are like these days, there's no fooling me. I know what goes on in those tower-block estates among the lower classes in places like Liverpool.
Face facts, you're "on the game" but trying to keep it secret. It's the only way unwashed and uneducated working class women like yourself can afford to keep smoking and buying lottery tickets. If the pharmacist has any sense he'll realise that your rash is some sort of sex disease and deny you treatment until you stop the whoring, as the rash will just come back again. Hopefully it won't get infected and turn into AIDS, but there's no guarantee.
I suggest you have an open and honest talk with your husband, and admit to having sexual congress with any pissy old tramp in the local park who gives you a five pound note and a packet of cigarettes.
Hopefully he might not leave you once he realises that he's married some skanky scouse whore.