“Dear understanding Aunt Aggie, please give me some advice. I just can't seem to stop my spending! I keep racking up hundreds of pounds of credit card and catalogue debt every month, I just can't stop buying! I just want to get what's best for my young daughters, but I know that sooner or later all this debt is going to start to catch up with me.” — from Debt-Ridden Debbie in Darlington
Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh deary deary me, Debbie, what a situation you've gone and got yourself in! But oh how easy they make it for people to get into debt these days! What with kids always wanting the latest record-players and wireless sets and apple pods and what-have-you, mothers can easily feel pressured into spending a few too many pound notes out of the piggy bank.
I'm alright, of course, and don't have a problem with money now I'm a multi-millionaire from my best seller self-help books. Last night I set fire to a whole pile of money, just for the fun of it. I would fully understand if, when looking at me, you looked at your own situation and saw the only option to your debt problems as suicide. Quite frankly, at your age and your lack of skills, what other options are there? There's not much hope of you ever finding a well-paying job, is there? It's far too late to go back to school and no one would trust employing someone with as little self-control as yourself.
Yet I doubt you've even considered suicide, have you? There is no excuse for being so selfish – just think what is best for your children for a change. What do you think is worse for them? To go through the stress of having their toys repossessed by the bank, or getting lots of nice shiny new toys from a bumper life-insurance payout?
On my last visit to my private château up in the mountains of Switzerland, one of the little people in the village told me that euthanasia is legal there, and people with fatal diseases go there to get lethal injections. So, there's a solution that can work for you. Why not max out your last credit card on a nice family holiday to the Alps? All you need to do is lie and say you've got cancer, and not only will it solve your money problems but you'll give all your family and friends a nice day out at a funeral.