“Dear Aunt Aggie, please tell me what to do! I've tried everything to lose weight, diets, slim-fast, WeightWatchers, I even once considered lipo! I'm 34 and about 3 stone (42lbs) overweight. It only really started piling on in the last couple of years when I started working in an office again after having my children. I just can't seem to find anything that will work for me. My partner and my children say they're raring and ready to go, being fully supportive of any diet plan or advice I get from Aunt Aggie, so, Aunt Aggie please help me!” — from Deborah in Dinnington
Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Of course I'll help you, my dear! Yes, it's so easy for the pounds to pile on, isn't it? Snacking at work while sitting in front of a computer is a recipe for disaster! Personally I've never had such a problem, as I've always been super-slim with a gorgeous flat stomach to rival any supermodel.
I would say to anyone who want to be as slim as me, don't lose hope, because with just a few simple adjustments to your diet, you can halt the fat coming on, and maybe even start the process of losing it.
YOU, however, say you've tried ALL SORTS of different diets and they didn't work. There obviously must be something seriously wrong with your attitude! You must be one of those people who just keep piling the weight on from eating KFC buckets six times a day while insisting "oh I just can't lose weight!" What a hypocrite!
Of course, as you keep stuffing your greedy fat face and grow lardier and lardier, your partner will inevitably leave you to be with a slimmer woman, and who can blame him? While he's off having a great time with some beautiful slim 22-year old, 'ole fatty here will just get more and more depressed, sitting on her fat arse stuffing chocolate bars in her big gob.
Eventually when you get so big that the firemen have to come and cut you out of the side of your house, they'll transfer you to a hospital where you'll simply continue to be a burden to those around you. Thankfully, your children will be placed with some nice foster parents by the state, so hopefully they won't ruin their lives as you have ruined yours, picking up the same lack of self-control that you seem to have, if you haven't already done enough damage.
Let's hope you don't die from complications after the inevitable gastric by-pass operation, but quite frankly, re-entering society as a normal person is better than what a greedy fat cow like you deserves.