“Dear wise Aunt Aggie, please help. I'm raising my first son, and my little baby is refusing to start eating solid food. Me and my husband don't know what to do. We've tried everything and I'm really starting to get worried. How do I get him to eat?” — from Carol Crachanopholos in Cramlington, age 31
Loving Aunt Aggie replies: How worried you must be! It is very important for a baby to start eating solid food as soon as possible. My seven boys all started eating solids straight away, on the same day they were born I had them eating potatoes and raw turnip, and it did them the world of good. Mind you, back in my day we were a lot tougher, I infected all my children with smallpox and typhoid just to toughen them up a bit.
So this makes me wonder why you're such a failure and a bad parent. I'm sure Social Services wouldn't take your child away, although that's really for them to decide now that I've alerted them. In fact its probably in the child's best interests.
Child abuse and neglect is taken seriously these days, but the courts take into account ignorant parents, so you will probably get away with a suspended sentence or a community work order. Of course your child is also partly to blame, if it had any brains it wouldn't have this problem and be eating straight away like mine were. I imagine it's probably due to your own poor upbringing and lack of intelligence, it will have been passed on in the genes. Don't worry, when I think back on all the times I've had other people's children taken into care, I've noticed that social workers often take pity on uneducated working class mothers with a child who's mentally retarded.