Done Everything To Lose Weight and Failed!

“Dear Aunt Aggie, please tell me what to do! I've tried everything to lose weight, diets, slim-fast, WeightWatchers, I even once considered lipo! I'm 34 and about 3 stone (42lbs) overweight. It only really started piling on in the last couple of years when I started working in an office again after having my children. I just can't seem to find anything that will work for me. My partner and my children say they're raring and ready to go, being fully supportive of any diet plan or advice I get from Aunt Aggie, so, Aunt Aggie please help me!” — from Deborah in Dinnington

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Of course I'll help you, my dear! Yes, it's so easy for the pounds to pile on, isn't it? Snacking at work while sitting in front of a computer is a recipe for disaster! Personally I've never had such a problem, as I've always been super-slim with a gorgeous flat stomach to rival any supermodel.

I would say to anyone who want to be as slim as me, don't lose hope, because with just a few simple adjustments to your diet, you can halt the fat coming on, and maybe even start the process of losing it.

YOU, however, say you've tried ALL SORTS of different diets and they didn't work. There obviously must be something seriously wrong with your attitude! You must be one of those people who just keep piling the weight on from eating KFC buckets six times a day while insisting "oh I just can't lose weight!" What a hypocrite!

Of course, as you keep stuffing your greedy fat face and grow lardier and lardier, your partner will inevitably leave you to be with a slimmer woman, and who can blame him? While he's off having a great time with some beautiful slim 22-year old, 'ole fatty here will just get more and more depressed, sitting on her fat arse stuffing chocolate bars in her big gob.

Eventually when you get so big that the firemen have to come and cut you out of the side of your house, they'll transfer you to a hospital where you'll simply continue to be a burden to those around you. Thankfully, your children will be placed with some nice foster parents by the state, so hopefully they won't ruin their lives as you have ruined yours, picking up the same lack of self-control that you seem to have, if you haven't already done enough damage.

Let's hope you don't die from complications after the inevitable gastric by-pass operation, but quite frankly, re-entering society as a normal person is better than what a greedy fat cow like you deserves.

Boss Wants To Sleep With Me!

“Dear wonderful Aunt Aggie, I'm really unsure what to do. I'm a secretary, and my boss is in his 40's, married, with two children. He keeps flirting with me, and last week he asked me out to dinner. I said no, as I'm really not interested, but it felt really uncomfortable. Then, one night when I was working late he asked me to have sex with him in the office cupboard! I was shocked! He said he could guarentee my promotion if we got "a little friendly"! I'm even friends with his wife and I have my own boyfriend! I just can't understand how he has the gall to be like this! What should I do to tell him I'm not interested without it being awkward around the office?” — from Kelly in Killingworth, age 22

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh my dear, it's terrible the sort of sexist behaviour us girls have to put up from the men folk. Some of them think they're god's gift to women! Almost every day I have men throwing themselves at me. Occasionally some handsome young hunk is so determined to get me that I'm forced to beat him off.

What an awkward situation you're in! If you're too harsh and firm he may try to get you sacked. But if you're too polite he may keep trying. However, face it my dear, you're probably bringing this on yourself. Wearing short skirts and low-cut tops in order to childishly get attention is the real root of the problem. If you'd had a better upbringing then maybe you wouldn't now be trying to have sex middle aged bald men old enough to be your father.

Good god, woman, why would he be interested in you? Don't you realise that what he really wants is a proper woman, who is mature and has some brains? Go to his wife an apologise for being a little skank and trying to break-up her family. Maybe then you'll see that he couldn't possibly want to be with some gold-digging and scatterbrained secretary who dresses like a cheap prostitute.

New Book: Aunt Aggie Helps Celebrities

In her latest book, already tipped to be yet another best-seller, the 49 year-old world famous agony aunt, Aunt Aggie, writes her most intimate expose yet of all the celebrities she's helped to become as rich and famour as her. In it, she spills all the beans on their most intimate secrets - which they stupidly thought they had told her in confidence. — The book 'Aunt Aggie Helps Celebrities Sort Their Lives Out' is for sale worldwide later this month.

Excerpt from the chapter The Royal Family: “So I says to Prince Philip, 'Look pet, you've got to get rid of that Princess Diana, she's a real troublemaker for you royals!' And what do you know, he must have listened to my advice, because two weeks later she was killed in a car crash! I was so pleased.”

Excerpt from the chapter Tom Cruise: “He was totally lost, not knowing in what direction to point his life in, so I encouraged him to find some sort of place where could get a personality test and possibly get involved with a church. I was told he had managed to do both. How wonderful.”

Excerpt from the chapter Gary Glitter: “He comes to me, moaning and complaining, 'oh' he says, 'I'm past my prime, I'm getting old' he kept blethering. I told him to shut up and do something positive, like move to a poor country and help out the poor starving kiddies. The closer you are to children, the younger you feel, is what I told him.”

Excerpt from the chapter Paul McCartney: “Alone he was, still moping over that dead vegetable-sausages woman he married, 'Look,' I told him, 'I'll fix you up right well and proper, I know this lovely local lass from Newcastle called Heather, you'll get on famously!' And then they got married. What a happy ending!”

You've been reading extracts from 'Aunt Aggie Helps Celebrities Sort Their Lives Out' which is available later this month! Pre-order it today!

Baby Won't Eat!

“Dear wise Aunt Aggie, please help. I'm raising my first son, and my little baby is refusing to start eating solid food. Me and my husband don't know what to do. We've tried everything and I'm really starting to get worried. How do I get him to eat?” — from Carol Crachanopholos in Cramlington, age 31

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: How worried you must be! It is very important for a baby to start eating solid food as soon as possible. My seven boys all started eating solids straight away, on the same day they were born I had them eating potatoes and raw turnip, and it did them the world of good. Mind you, back in my day we were a lot tougher, I infected all my children with smallpox and typhoid just to toughen them up a bit.

So this makes me wonder why you're such a failure and a bad parent. I'm sure Social Services wouldn't take your child away, although that's really for them to decide now that I've alerted them. In fact its probably in the child's best interests.

Child abuse and neglect is taken seriously these days, but the courts take into account ignorant parents, so you will probably get away with a suspended sentence or a community work order. Of course your child is also partly to blame, if it had any brains it wouldn't have this problem and be eating straight away like mine were. I imagine it's probably due to your own poor upbringing and lack of intelligence, it will have been passed on in the genes. Don't worry, when I think back on all the times I've had other people's children taken into care, I've noticed that social workers often take pity on uneducated working class mothers with a child who's mentally retarded.

Husband Won't Touch Wife

“Dear loving Aunt Aggie, please tell me what to do. Me and my husband always enjoyed a good sex life, but recently he just never seems to get in the mood. I'm starting to worry that he doesn't want to touch me anymore, and that I'm not attractive to him. Other than that, things are going well, but our relationship just isn't the same without our love-making. We're both in our 40s. Please do not publish my name, I'd hate people to know we were having such problems and writing into a silly agony aunt about it! I'd die of embarrassment!” — from Mrs X in 38 Stocksfield Road, West Denton, Newcastle-upon-Tyne, NE1 4PF

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh my dear girl! You must be filled with worry. It's terrible when a man no longer sees anything physically appealing in his wife and stops satisfying her because of the feelings of abhorrence. Us women need that signal from our husbands so we know that we're still attractive and desirable. Personally I wouldn't know what it's like to have such a problem, as lots of men keep throwing themselves at me. Maybe you should ask your husband Mr White what the trouble is?

If you're truly honest with yourself, Julie, you'll know that you've probably suspected that he's getting his satisfaction from somewhere else now. As your marriage starts to flag over time, and you start to age and get all droopy, it is inevitable that a man will start exploring his homosexual curiosity to continue getting a sexual thrill. This doesn't mean that you're necessarily unattractive, but let's face it dear, if you still were, he wouldn't be playing around with other men in public toilets, now would he?

If he doesn't leave you, which only happens in 9 cases out of 10, you could always start dressing up as a bloke to try to keep his interest. But really, I doubt Steve would want to have sex with some silly cross-dressing tart, do you? But what do I know, I'm only an agony aunt!

Bitch.

Annoying Friend Won't Stop Calling!

“Dear Aunt Aggie, how can I deal with this? I have an old friend in her sixties who never stops phoning me day or night. Sometimes she keeps me on the phone for an hour or more, talking about nothing at all! I think she's just lonely, and I want to help, I really do, but it's just getting too much of a burden.” — from Kath in Kenton, age 54

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: What a nightmare! You want to help, but it's just too much. We must understand, dear, that loneliness can be a terrible thing, especially for old people like you and your friends. You are probably correct in thinking she needs company and you have proved yourself to be very loyal and tolerant.

Perhaps you are frightened of offending her and totally lacking in self-confidence, which is why you cannot bring yourself to tell her to get lost. Or are you one of these insecure people who “wouldn't say boo to a goose”, which is what your friend is relying on – in order to twist you round her little finger? Would finding a job not better fill your days than hanging onto the end of a telephone?

I believe counselling would be in your best interests. There are many self-assertion courses available, and if they fail you could see your doctor for some tranquillisers. But with someone as undetermined and lacking in confidence as yourself, you may have to move house and change your identity in order to be rid of these nuisance calls.

My advice is to move house as soon as possible and to be on the safe side, not to get the phone installed, since people with your lack of personality will never be able to stand up to anyone, and are known to attract all kinds of questionable people and who most likely, like yourself, need psychiatric treatment and counselling.

Ugly Friend

“Dear Aunt Aggie, what can I do? I am worried about my friend who is thinking of having cosmetic surgery, as I think she might regret it. Personally I don't think she even needs it, and I think it might just be because of her low self-esteem. When we go out drinking we both get all the blokes, and we have a good time. I just don't see why she thinks she needs it! What do you think?” — from Karen in Monkseaton, age 38

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: I can understand your feeling of concern for your friend, as some cosmetic surgery can be extremely dangerous, depending on whether or not you go to a reputable clinic. And it would be awful if something went terribly wrong, wouldn't it?

However, try facing up to the fact you are really worried in case she becomes more attractive than yourself, and shows you up for the rapidly aging and ugly person you really are. I have no doubt that your friend will probably benefit from the improvement, why else would she spend the money? Whereas, you are subconsciously aware how no amount of plastic surgery could possibly do anything for you. Face it, my dear, technology has advanced, but not that much!

After her operation is complete and she starts attracting all the men instead of you, try not to feel jealous, and just feel happy for her. It won't take long for her to find a circle of more attractive friends, and I'm sure she wouldn't want you hanging around. Buy a couple of cats and try to be content staying at home every weekend, the attractive people certainly wouldn't want some ugly old middle-aged cat owner spoiling their fun.

Is My Wife Cheating On Me?

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I've never written in to one of these agony aunts before, this is usuall the sort of thing my wife reads, but she is the problem. I think my wife is having an affair. I don't want her to leave me, but if I'm wrong I don't want to offend her by asking. What can I do?” — from Mr X in Gosforth

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Don't worry about it. It might all be in your imagination. However, take a look at yourself in the mirror. When was the last time your cleaned your teeth or changed your smelly socks and underpants?

Just small things but very important if you want to keep the woman in your life. Even if she IS having an affair, she's probably riddled with guilt because of being with some big handsome hunk instead of the skinny wimp she married.

She may decide to come back to you of course, but I usually find it's best following an inevitable divorce for your kind to settle down with someone nearer your own class and appearance.

Next time try getting someone more reliable and ordinary looking like yourself, someone who won't be looking for a more attractive and exciting partner – unlike your present wife who has obviously succumbed to the advances of a very charming and well-dressed seductive man – the kind of person you could never be!

Lonely in New Neighbourhood

“Dear Aunt Aggie, please tell me what you would do. I have been in my lovely new middle-class neighbourhood now for three months, yet no-one has time to speak to me more than a minute or invite me in for coffee. Whenever I try to get to know someone they find an excuse. I really feel like moving again. What do you suggest?” — from Winfreda in Whitley Bay

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: How absolutely awful for you! Those stuck-up snobs! The fact that you have tried to get to know people and failed is most likely due to the posh area you chose to live in, where the residents are so toffee-nosed that they look down on any newcomers.

However, I think you should admit to yourself that the real crux of the matter is that you show yourself up, since I suspect you came from a run-down slum area (Sunderland, perhaps?) and that your dialect and dress leave a lot to be desired! It's a well known fact that your sort have either a body odour or hallitosis problem, and also very likely an incontinence problem.

I really think you would be better off moving back to where you belong, and leaving the respectable hard-working middle-class people in peace. The last thing they want to put up with is some meddling old fishwife bringing down the property prices.

Meddling Old Neighbour

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I don't know who to turn to. The old woman who lives in the flat above me, is driving me mad. She is always peeking out of her curtains to see when I'm coming and going. When I get a phone call I can hear her switch her TV off, so she can listen to what I'm saying. When the post has been accidentally sent to her flat, it is forwarded to me already opened! Every Sunday she plays loud Church music and starts singing to it. I try banging on the ceiling with a broom-handle and shouting, but she pretends to not hear. — from Grassed Off in Gateshead

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Sounds like you've a real problem on your hands. This obsessive behaviour might be a case of loneliness, having nothing better to do than live her life through you.

Have you tried being friendly to her? Perhaps calling to see whether she needs any shopping? Get to know her better rather than being so critical. At her time of life she needs companionship and you should be showing respect for the elderly not criticizing. Remember, you will be old yourself one day.

Why not invite her for over Sunday dinner and perhaps accompany her to church as you say she likes church music. Once you get to know her better she could even stay over so she's made to feel wanted instead of neglected.

You could even invite her to one of your parties you young people are always having, so she doesn't feel left out. Before you know it you will be great friends and you will both be popping in and out of each other's apartments all the time.

Can't Stop The Spending! Help!

“Dear understanding Aunt Aggie, please give me some advice. I just can't seem to stop my spending! I keep racking up hundreds of pounds of credit card and catalogue debt every month, I just can't stop buying! I just want to get what's best for my young daughters, but I know that sooner or later all this debt is going to start to catch up with me.” — from Debt-Ridden Debbie in Darlington

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh deary deary me, Debbie, what a situation you've gone and got yourself in! But oh how easy they make it for people to get into debt these days! What with kids always wanting the latest record-players and wireless sets and apple pods and what-have-you, mothers can easily feel pressured into spending a few too many pound notes out of the piggy bank.

I'm alright, of course, and don't have a problem with money now I'm a multi-millionaire from my best seller self-help books. Last night I set fire to a whole pile of money, just for the fun of it. I would fully understand if, when looking at me, you looked at your own situation and saw the only option to your debt problems as suicide. Quite frankly, at your age and your lack of skills, what other options are there? There's not much hope of you ever finding a well-paying job, is there? It's far too late to go back to school and no one would trust employing someone with as little self-control as yourself.

Yet I doubt you've even considered suicide, have you? There is no excuse for being so selfish – just think what is best for your children for a change. What do you think is worse for them? To go through the stress of having their toys repossessed by the bank, or getting lots of nice shiny new toys from a bumper life-insurance payout?

On my last visit to my private château up in the mountains of Switzerland, one of the little people in the village told me that euthanasia is legal there, and people with fatal diseases go there to get lethal injections. So, there's a solution that can work for you. Why not max out your last credit card on a nice family holiday to the Alps? All you need to do is lie and say you've got cancer, and not only will it solve your money problems but you'll give all your family and friends a nice day out at a funeral.

Aunt Aggie Reminisces About The Good Old Days

Back in my day we didn't have all the new fangled electronics and interwebs and mobiled phones. We had to make do with what were given! And that wasn't much I can tell you!

School Life

I had to walk ten miles to school in all weathers in my bare feet. No being dropped off at the school gate by car like you mollycoddled lot nowadays! The teacher would cane us at least once a day which did us the world of good. Look how I turned out! We hadn't the luxury of writing paper but wrote on slates with chalk and learned the three Rs...reading, riting and rithmatic! Children were quite rightly "seen and not heard," not like today's little brats!

Women's lib?

My mother had to scrub floors and take in washing so that my brother could get books for night school. No advanced education or career prospects back then for girls. We were kept in our place looking after the home and our aged parents, or marrying whoever would have us or whoever our parents forced us to marry and had lots of kids to keep us occupied!

Poverty

Our family was so poor we had to use the pawnshop to borrow money to tide us over from one week to the next. I remember hiding under the table from the schoolboard man because I had stayed away from school to help do the washing, and when the rent man came round because there was no money to pay him, also from the priest who expected money for the church. It was really exciting!

Smells

The toilet was an outside midden which was emptied once a week and refilled with ashes. The smell was deplorable but we were used to it. No posh toilet paper then - just cut up newspapers if we were lucky. I remember being sent out on the street with a bucket and shovel to collect manure left by the horses of the travelling butcher or baker. It was good for growing vegetables if you were lucky enough to have a garden or allotment, otherwise you could sell it!

Tyranny and Retaliation

Family heads were tyrants who wouldn't permit you to do anything on Sundays - not even reading or knitting except attend church. Wives and children had to respect the head of the house and do what they were told. My mother would wait until my dad got drunk and empty his coat pockets of any change he had left, also avenge herself by hitting him with the rolling pin. The following day he thought he'd been accosted and robbed but he never suspected the truth!

Shame and Ostracism

Babies out of wedlock were all hush hush. With no contraceptives available we couldn't have a good time like you lot nowadays. If you had the money, back street abortions were commonplace by a woman with a knitting needle but quite a few women died as a result. Babies sometimes had to be smothered at birth and buried in the back garden or under the floorboards. I remember on quite a few occasions being sent away to get the brats adopted. I think the neighbours suspected the interfering old busybodies!

Marriage

Marriage was for life. Women had to resort to arsenic poisoning to get rid of their husbands - I made quite a tidy penny I can tell you - as it was customary even though extremely poor always to find money for life endowments!

What a wedding present!

A wedding present was usually a collection of money to get all your teeth removed and replaced with a set of dentures to save you future expense and inconvenience.

Street walkers

When women went out alone at night they had to carry a hat pin in case they were attacked. The pain apparently was quite horrific on unsuspecting men just wanting to know the time!

Funerals - a big occasion

As a child I was taught to show respect for the dead by kissing the corpse goodbye as I was held over the coffin. Funerals were a big occasion for all the street, the only time you were guaranteed a good feed. Everyone expected it and news travelled fast. The widow of course had nothing left after paying the bill, but who cared? Even ornaments were taken as keepsakes. I still have quite a collection from different houses!

What - no TV?

Since television was unheard of we had to make our own entertainment. It was wonderful being able to slag everybody off behind their backs and go tittle-tattling from house to house with the latest gossip. I really miss that. Everybody's so stuck up nowadays!

Unemployment

Jobs were scarce and there were no social security payments like you lazy lot get handed out nowadays. We had to support each another, sometimes going round the neighbours asking for a slice of bread and jam, and barter whatever we had, making do and mending. We were all much happier back then!

War time

The second world war was an exciting time. All those long nights in air-raid shelters. You never knew who you'd be sharing with. No wonder some of the lasses couldn't name the fathers. Then there were those American GIs with their silk stockings and new fangled cigarettes. We really missed them when the war was over and they went back to their wives.

Yes they were the good old days. People don't know how to have fun anymore!

A “Thank You” letter from Neglected Norma in North Shields

“Dear Aunt Aggie,

I'm writing to you to thank you for the advice you gave me about feeling neglected by my husband. Your advice was a little hard to swallow at first, but I took it on board and decided just to get on with housework and be seen and not heard, making sure not to distract my husband from watching the TV. I accepted that I am just a boring and probably ugly and unattractive housewife, and started sleeping on the settee so he wouldn't have to put up with my fat body next to him.

In time he told me that he suddenly felt like the spark was gone from our marriage, and that our love life was dead. Eventually he started seeing someone from work and moved out.

So what can I say, you were right. I am a boring old housewife who is ugly and unattractive. But since the divorce was settled and my subsequent breakdown, my therapist says I'm making a good recovery.” — from Neglected Norma in North Shields

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: That's wonderful news, I knew I would be right. I always am. Now just make sure not to "get above your station" again, and perhaps looks for someone nearer your level of class and appearance.

Vaginal Rash Worries

“Dear considerate Aunt Aggie, I need some advice. I have an embarrassing problem! About a week ago a rash started to appear on my private parts, I don't know where it came from, and I'm too ashamed to go to my doctor here in Liverpool. I haven't let my husband make love to me for the same reason, and he's starting to wonder what's wrong. Of course, I also don't want to pass it on to him. What should I do to get rid of this without him noticing?” — from Mrs X in Merseyside, age 26

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh how embarrassing for you, what a dilemma. Thankfully, most rashes are usually treated easily with a cream available over the counter at your local pharmacist, and it disappears after a few days.

However, when you try to buy some cream, be expected to be asked some awkward questions by your pharmacist. As I'm sure he wouldn't believe for a second that you "don't know" where you caught it. I may be 49 years young and getting on a bit, but I know what youngsters are like these days, there's no fooling me. I know what goes on in those tower-block estates among the lower classes in places like Liverpool.

Face facts, you're "on the game" but trying to keep it secret. It's the only way unwashed and uneducated working class women like yourself can afford to keep smoking and buying lottery tickets. If the pharmacist has any sense he'll realise that your rash is some sort of sex disease and deny you treatment until you stop the whoring, as the rash will just come back again. Hopefully it won't get infected and turn into AIDS, but there's no guarantee.

I suggest you have an open and honest talk with your husband, and admit to having sexual congress with any pissy old tramp in the local park who gives you a five pound note and a packet of cigarettes.

Hopefully he might not leave you once he realises that he's married some skanky scouse whore.

Old Mum Returns To School

“Dear Aunt Aggie, what should I do? I am a young-looking 45 year-old thinking of returning to full time education to finally finish my degree in nursing. But my teenage children are embarrassed at the prospect of having their mum attend the same college! My daughter says she'll 'just die' if her friends see her mum there! But I really want to go, how can I convince my kids to be OK with it?” — from Edina in Edinburgh, 45

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Children can be a real headache can't they? You will simply have to be firm with them and let them know it's your life, not theirs and that you can do as you please!

After all, in a few short years your children will all have made new lives for themselves, never giving you a second thought, especially as you deserted them in their formative years at the most important time in their lives – at a time when they needed you most, and you should have been at home caring for them properly – instead of galavanting around, titivating yourself up, trying to look younger than you really are so you can attract younger men at the college.

It'll serve you right when your family no longer wants anything to do with you for neglecting them for some worthless college degree. Besides, by the time it takes you at YOUR age to digest all that studying, you'll be much too old to find employment – which is what you deserve, you selfish woman!

Troublesome Teenagers

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I need some new ideas. I am sick and tired of asking my teenagers to make their beds and tidy their rooms. They said, "yes mum I'll do it later" but it never gets done! Eventually I get so fed up I have to go and tidy it myself. How can I get them to clean up their own mess? Any suggestions?” — from Irate Mum in Manchester

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: It's really awful the way teenagers act nowadays. They have no respect for authority. They seem to expect everyone around them and society to provide everything for them. I blame the schools, partly.

But perhaps it's the way you've brought them up? Maybe you haven't been too insistent with them in the past which could be the reason you've brought this on yourself.

However, they're only young once and have a lot to think about with school or college work without bothering with these mundane things you're demanding. You brought them into the world, therefore it's your responsibility to make sure they get looked after properly, which should include breakfast in bed in the mornings!

We didn't win the war against the Gerries with your sort of 'somebody else should do it' attitude! So instead of moaning and feelings sorry for yourself, why don't you get on with cleaning out their rooms yourself you lazy woman – since YOU'VE obviously got much more time on your hands or you wouldn't wasting hours on your computer and bothering me!

My Husband Collects Junk!

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I need some assistance. Since his retirement, my husband is obsessed with bringing home junk from the refuse tip which he says is "useful". He has collected old bikes, half-used tins of paint, garden gnomes, an old lawnmower, and other things. They're stacked up in our garden shed and garage. He refuses to throw them out for the rubbish men. How can I convince him to get rid of this junk?” — from Demented in Denton

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: How terrible! It must be awful living in such conditions. Men can be such hoarders. When it's not old comic books or model cars, its something else.

However, this new hobby sounds as though it may be his only means of escape and a cry for help because of having to spend so many hours at home with a critical and unsupportive wife.

Try taking an active interest in your husband's new hobby. Learn to be more complimentary and acknowledge his ingenuity, otherwise your unrealistic criticism (which I suspect is a display of jealousy because of your own lack of motivation to do anything worthwhile), will only lead to high blood pressure and heart problems.

Pedigree Poo

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I need some advice. My next door neighbour hasn't spoken to me since my beautiful prize pedigree Siamese cat got into his house and did a poo on his bedroom carpet. What can I do to make him understand that she is highly strung and it was just a nervous reaction to his shouting at her?” — from Catherine in Colchester

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: The poor thing! Siamese cats are such adorable little bundles of joy. Personally I have one I keep in my handbag for nights out at the Bingo hall (not the commoner's Bingo Hall, I mean the one for rich people like me, not the ones commoners like you lot go to). I understand how effete and delicate they are. She must have got an awful fright to do that on his carpet, and you must have been highly annoyed at the time.

However, contrary to popular belief not everyone in the world loves animals and certainly not felines! Have you any idea what your innocent little moggy is capable of? Although cats are ideal as mouse and rat catchers they are unfortunately also responsible for the high percentage of bird extinction, not to mention the digging up of plants and deposits of excrement left everywhere, also keeping people awake at night listening to their street fights and cat-calls.

Quite frankly, I think your neighbour has every right to sue you for not keeping your animal under control. The best course of action would be to not get any more animals, so as not to cause any future annoyance to your neighbours, and get the cat taken away and destroyed.

Can't Get Pregnant

“Dear adorable Aunt Aggie, I'm desperate. Me and my husband have been trying to have a child for the past two years, with no success. After a series of tests, our doctor told me that I may be infertile. We really want to have a baby, and I was bitterly disappointed when we finally tried IVF treatment, which didn't work. I'm getting very upset about this. The other day a woman at work announced she was pregnant, and I thought ‘why can't that be me?’ and got so upset I went into the toilets and cried. What should I do?” — from Infertile in Inverness, age 32.

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh dearie, my poor child, I really feel for you. It must be terrible to not be able to conceive when you really want that pleasure of holding a little baby of your own, in your arms.

It sounds like you have tried everything to get pregnant. IVF usually is the last-straw for women these days, and it is so expensive. However, have you considered some alternative reasons for why you may not be able to conceive?

Back in my day there was nothing wrong with us, we used to produce babies all the time, sometimes two in one week. A normal family had 9 or 10, and I personally had no problem at all squeezing out 12 children, although I had to leave most of them outside orphanages so I could still afford to pay for my radio license.

Which makes me wonder what it is that is really wrong? Have you tried seeing a psychotherapist? I'm sure the cause is “all in your head” so-to-speak. It will be your way of being the centre of attention and getting other people to feel sorry for you.

But don't despair, maybe once your husband has left you to find a younger, more attractive and fertile woman, you can be happy in the knowledge that he can finally be with someone who isn't selfishly denying him the children he wanted.

Then, you'll have more time to think about the reasons why you've allowed yourself to become such an attention-seeking hypochondriac.

Boobs Too Big

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I want to get breast reduction surgery at a private clinic, but my partner is worried in case something goes wrong. He is threatening to leave me, but I just really need this surgery for myself. What should I do?” — from Helen in Hull, 36

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: How selfish and inconsiderate of him! You should be allowed to make your own decision on such a personal matter, especially since it effects your self-esteem and appearance – which is important for a woman.

However, since cosmetic surgery is a serious step and your boyfriend might simply be concerned for your welfare, it's quite possible that he’s just jealous in case you suddenly become attractive and have other male admirers.

Therefore, I can't help wondering what your real reasons are for wanting to undergo such radical surgery? Is it because you are attracted to someone younger and are making a last desperate attempt at clinging on to the few looks you have left at your age? If so, bear in mind that even after all the expense and trauma of this type of operation, you'll still be so fat and ugly that the person you want to attract remains disinterested in you. After all, at 36 you're practically “over the hill”!

Since your boyfriend has my fullest sympathy, I shall be writing to him about the sort of person you really are, and advising him to have a proper relationship with someone else, instead of wasting his time with such a devious and untrustworthy person as yourself. Besides, I've been married 8 times and I can tell you that men appreciate a woman with a nice pair of naturally beautiful breasts, not someone who has to go under the surgeon's knife to even have a chance of looking attractive, like some sort of aging prostitute.

Not The Sporty Type!

“Dear Aunt Aggie, Please help, I'm scared. I'm 14 years old and in High School. They make me go to basketball practice and I hate it! The other kids are mean and I get picked-on in the changing rooms by the older kids. My parents don't want to listen to me, and the teacher says if I don't play I'll get a bad report card. Please tell me some excuses so I can't go. Thank you very much.” — from Max in Missouri, USA, age 14

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: What a nice polite young man you are Max, even for an American. I'm so sorry to learn you don't like basketball, which presumably the school is forcing you to do. I understand just how you feel. I was young once.

You are obviously feeling guilty about letting your team down as your heart is not in the game, which leaves me wondering why it is that you are such a wimp? Is it just basketball you dislike or does it apply to all sport? Perhaps you would be better suited with ballet lessons or with some other girly pursuit?

But don't worry, it's not like it was in my day and age anymore. No, these days there are all kinds of support groups for homosexuals. They can do wonders in helping you accept the fact you're not a real man. Once you've accepted yourself for who you really are, you might start to notice how much more comfortable you feel wearing your mothers clothes. Then, perhaps after a sex change operation, the school could put you in the girl's basketball team instead.

I'm sure it would come as a relief to both yourself and the other boys, then their team won't be spoiled anymore by having to put up with some little gay fairy.

Wife Feels Neglected

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I don't know what to do. I feel like my husband of 15 years is really neglecting me. He is out working all day in an office, gets home exhausted, and never wants to take me anywhere when he gets home. He only wants to sit in front of the TV night after night. We used to have such an active social life, lots of friends, and romantic weekends away. Now all that has stopped, and I wonder if he even cares about me anymore.” — from Neglected Norma in North Shields

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: It's terrible the way men treat their women folk. Perhaps he has a lot to put up with at work and is too exhausted to make any effort when he gets home? It's also easy to get out of the habit of keeping up romantic gestures, and sometimes one can just 'take for granted' loved ones.

However, it is a fact that many wives are just too plain and undesirable for their husbands to give much thought to, especially after a hectic day chasing their secretaries around.

Were you always this unattractive I wonder, or were you better looking in your youth? Face up to the fact, woman, that he probably only married you to look after his house – which I'll bet is mortgaged in his name only.

Perhaps if you spent more time doing your household chores instead of wasting your time writing letters on the Internet, and applying a bit more make-up to cover over your unattractiveness, then you might not seem so offensive to him. Perhaps then he might even speak to you once in a while during the commercial breaks when watching TV. Though I don't know why anyone would want to talk to some boring housewife.

Smoking Boss Just Won't Quit!

“Dear wonderful Aunt Aggie, My boss insists on smoking around me all day long, and I can't stand it. I hate the smell, and I know the dangers of passive smoking. He doesn't seem to care about the effect it has on me. How can I get him to listen?” — from Josephine, age 46

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: I am amazed how in this day and age people can still be so selfish as to inflict their smoking habits on other people. Obviously he has no consideration for anyone but himself.

However, it's important to consider how he feels. Smokers often use their habit as a way to relax and deal with stress. Perhaps he feels a lot of pressure from his job, and it won't be helped by having to hear you moaning and complaining all the time. Cut him some slack and stop thinking only about your needs. Maybe you could help him relax by running to the newsagents once in a while to get his box of favourite tabs or buying him lighters.

Actually why not just start smoking yourself? After all, with you at your age you'd be very lucky to find another job, and the health risks aren't too important since you probably don't have much longer to live anyway. Either way, stop only thinking about yourself and start considering others, you selfish woman.

Can't Stop Pissing Myself!

“Dear loving Aunt Aggie, Please help! For the last year I've suffered from terrible incontinence. Whenever I am out shopping I have to rush home for the toilet. It's embarrassing. One of these days I'm worried I'll be ‘caught short’ and end up wetting myself. What's worse is that I'm only 45, I think I'm far too young to have this problem. I'm too embarrassed to go to our family doctor, and I can't face telling my husband. What do you suggest?” — from Desperate Dilly, 45, London

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: I sympathise, dear, I really do. Don't feel too bad about it, incontinence is a common problem, and can even effect younger people. So it's not unusual for a much older woman like yourself to get caught short, and it's a question of knowing how long to be out and about. Try not going too far from home or if visiting a strange town make sure you have a map of all the local toilets in the area.

Alternatively you could use incontinence pads, but I suspect you've already tried these unsuccessfully and that your friends and family stay away from you for the smell, in which case there's not a lot you can do except stay in the house next to the toilet bowl and keep a bucket of disinfectant and a mop handy.

Hopefully the neighbours might get used to the smell emitting from your house and not complain for some time to the Environmental Health Department, who incidentally are authorized to alert other authorities such as Social Services. They can easily have you forcefully removed from your home and put in suitable alternative accommodation, where you will have to spend the rest of your days being looked after by qualified staff until the funeral undertaker arrives.

Don't worry, I'm sure your family will still come and visit you, although I doubt they'll want to spend much time with a smelly old woman who wets herself.

Lady in Distress

“I am a lady of considerable wealth having been forced into living in one of those dreadful old peoples homes full of lower class imbeciles! I am absolutely disgusted by the smell from certain invalids who make me want to vomit! The peculiar thing is how everyone appears to be resigned to these terrible conditions and just ignore me when I talk about the situation. What can be done about it?” — From Lady Heightingon-Smythe

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: You poor thing. You have my heartfelt sympathy. I've heard just how smelly those places can be, so I suggest you dip a handkerchief in some cologne and wear it over your nose and mouth, not forgetting to remove it at meal times of course.

However, perhaps you are more aware of the problem than others because the smell is nearer than you care to admit. Try being honest with yourself dear! Isn't it a fact that people not only ignore you - but avoid you altogether?

Therefore why not ask the manager of the Home for an honest opinion, as at your time of life it should come as no surprise to learn that it is you yourself who is more than contributing to the overall pong in the Home. In fact they must be really nice people not to have pointed out your lack of hygiene before now, so you shouldn't feel embarrassed about approaching them as they will be quite used to having to deal with smelly old people like yourself.

Messy Family

“My husband and kids are always leaving the house in a mess. I've tried nagging them to pick up their clothes, clean up after themselves, etc, but they just won't listen. They don't seem to care how I feel, and I am really at the end of my tether. Please help.” — from Gwen, age 38

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Obviously they are treating you like a doormat and you should have made them realise you are a normal human being not a carthorse. I do sympathise but wonder why you have allowed this to go on for so long? Can it be some underlying problem which is usually because of being overweight and/or unattractive?

However, don't despair because you can seek free psychiatric help. After all you may not be as ugly as they think you are. And I shouldn't worry TOO much about your husband running off with a more attractive and younger woman which only happens in 9 cases out of 10.

You may be one of the lucky ones whose husband will stand by her through thick and thin, though I doubt it from what you tell me in your letter. When your husband does leave you, you can always join weight-watchers and then when you regain your figure it might still be possible to meet someone else who isn't put off by your unattractiveness.

Though I doubt it at your age.