Old Mum Returns To School

“Dear Aunt Aggie, what should I do? I am a young-looking 45 year-old thinking of returning to full time education to finally finish my degree in nursing. But my teenage children are embarrassed at the prospect of having their mum attend the same college! My daughter says she'll 'just die' if her friends see her mum there! But I really want to go, how can I convince my kids to be OK with it?” — from Edina in Edinburgh, 45

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Children can be a real headache can't they? You will simply have to be firm with them and let them know it's your life, not theirs and that you can do as you please!

After all, in a few short years your children will all have made new lives for themselves, never giving you a second thought, especially as you deserted them in their formative years at the most important time in their lives – at a time when they needed you most, and you should have been at home caring for them properly – instead of galavanting around, titivating yourself up, trying to look younger than you really are so you can attract younger men at the college.

It'll serve you right when your family no longer wants anything to do with you for neglecting them for some worthless college degree. Besides, by the time it takes you at YOUR age to digest all that studying, you'll be much too old to find employment – which is what you deserve, you selfish woman!

Troublesome Teenagers

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I need some new ideas. I am sick and tired of asking my teenagers to make their beds and tidy their rooms. They said, "yes mum I'll do it later" but it never gets done! Eventually I get so fed up I have to go and tidy it myself. How can I get them to clean up their own mess? Any suggestions?” — from Irate Mum in Manchester

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: It's really awful the way teenagers act nowadays. They have no respect for authority. They seem to expect everyone around them and society to provide everything for them. I blame the schools, partly.

But perhaps it's the way you've brought them up? Maybe you haven't been too insistent with them in the past which could be the reason you've brought this on yourself.

However, they're only young once and have a lot to think about with school or college work without bothering with these mundane things you're demanding. You brought them into the world, therefore it's your responsibility to make sure they get looked after properly, which should include breakfast in bed in the mornings!

We didn't win the war against the Gerries with your sort of 'somebody else should do it' attitude! So instead of moaning and feelings sorry for yourself, why don't you get on with cleaning out their rooms yourself you lazy woman – since YOU'VE obviously got much more time on your hands or you wouldn't wasting hours on your computer and bothering me!

My Husband Collects Junk!

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I need some assistance. Since his retirement, my husband is obsessed with bringing home junk from the refuse tip which he says is "useful". He has collected old bikes, half-used tins of paint, garden gnomes, an old lawnmower, and other things. They're stacked up in our garden shed and garage. He refuses to throw them out for the rubbish men. How can I convince him to get rid of this junk?” — from Demented in Denton

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: How terrible! It must be awful living in such conditions. Men can be such hoarders. When it's not old comic books or model cars, its something else.

However, this new hobby sounds as though it may be his only means of escape and a cry for help because of having to spend so many hours at home with a critical and unsupportive wife.

Try taking an active interest in your husband's new hobby. Learn to be more complimentary and acknowledge his ingenuity, otherwise your unrealistic criticism (which I suspect is a display of jealousy because of your own lack of motivation to do anything worthwhile), will only lead to high blood pressure and heart problems.

Pedigree Poo

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I need some advice. My next door neighbour hasn't spoken to me since my beautiful prize pedigree Siamese cat got into his house and did a poo on his bedroom carpet. What can I do to make him understand that she is highly strung and it was just a nervous reaction to his shouting at her?” — from Catherine in Colchester

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: The poor thing! Siamese cats are such adorable little bundles of joy. Personally I have one I keep in my handbag for nights out at the Bingo hall (not the commoner's Bingo Hall, I mean the one for rich people like me, not the ones commoners like you lot go to). I understand how effete and delicate they are. She must have got an awful fright to do that on his carpet, and you must have been highly annoyed at the time.

However, contrary to popular belief not everyone in the world loves animals and certainly not felines! Have you any idea what your innocent little moggy is capable of? Although cats are ideal as mouse and rat catchers they are unfortunately also responsible for the high percentage of bird extinction, not to mention the digging up of plants and deposits of excrement left everywhere, also keeping people awake at night listening to their street fights and cat-calls.

Quite frankly, I think your neighbour has every right to sue you for not keeping your animal under control. The best course of action would be to not get any more animals, so as not to cause any future annoyance to your neighbours, and get the cat taken away and destroyed.

Can't Get Pregnant

“Dear adorable Aunt Aggie, I'm desperate. Me and my husband have been trying to have a child for the past two years, with no success. After a series of tests, our doctor told me that I may be infertile. We really want to have a baby, and I was bitterly disappointed when we finally tried IVF treatment, which didn't work. I'm getting very upset about this. The other day a woman at work announced she was pregnant, and I thought ‘why can't that be me?’ and got so upset I went into the toilets and cried. What should I do?” — from Infertile in Inverness, age 32.

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Oh dearie, my poor child, I really feel for you. It must be terrible to not be able to conceive when you really want that pleasure of holding a little baby of your own, in your arms.

It sounds like you have tried everything to get pregnant. IVF usually is the last-straw for women these days, and it is so expensive. However, have you considered some alternative reasons for why you may not be able to conceive?

Back in my day there was nothing wrong with us, we used to produce babies all the time, sometimes two in one week. A normal family had 9 or 10, and I personally had no problem at all squeezing out 12 children, although I had to leave most of them outside orphanages so I could still afford to pay for my radio license.

Which makes me wonder what it is that is really wrong? Have you tried seeing a psychotherapist? I'm sure the cause is “all in your head” so-to-speak. It will be your way of being the centre of attention and getting other people to feel sorry for you.

But don't despair, maybe once your husband has left you to find a younger, more attractive and fertile woman, you can be happy in the knowledge that he can finally be with someone who isn't selfishly denying him the children he wanted.

Then, you'll have more time to think about the reasons why you've allowed yourself to become such an attention-seeking hypochondriac.

Boobs Too Big

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I want to get breast reduction surgery at a private clinic, but my partner is worried in case something goes wrong. He is threatening to leave me, but I just really need this surgery for myself. What should I do?” — from Helen in Hull, 36

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: How selfish and inconsiderate of him! You should be allowed to make your own decision on such a personal matter, especially since it effects your self-esteem and appearance – which is important for a woman.

However, since cosmetic surgery is a serious step and your boyfriend might simply be concerned for your welfare, it's quite possible that he’s just jealous in case you suddenly become attractive and have other male admirers.

Therefore, I can't help wondering what your real reasons are for wanting to undergo such radical surgery? Is it because you are attracted to someone younger and are making a last desperate attempt at clinging on to the few looks you have left at your age? If so, bear in mind that even after all the expense and trauma of this type of operation, you'll still be so fat and ugly that the person you want to attract remains disinterested in you. After all, at 36 you're practically “over the hill”!

Since your boyfriend has my fullest sympathy, I shall be writing to him about the sort of person you really are, and advising him to have a proper relationship with someone else, instead of wasting his time with such a devious and untrustworthy person as yourself. Besides, I've been married 8 times and I can tell you that men appreciate a woman with a nice pair of naturally beautiful breasts, not someone who has to go under the surgeon's knife to even have a chance of looking attractive, like some sort of aging prostitute.

Not The Sporty Type!

“Dear Aunt Aggie, Please help, I'm scared. I'm 14 years old and in High School. They make me go to basketball practice and I hate it! The other kids are mean and I get picked-on in the changing rooms by the older kids. My parents don't want to listen to me, and the teacher says if I don't play I'll get a bad report card. Please tell me some excuses so I can't go. Thank you very much.” — from Max in Missouri, USA, age 14

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: What a nice polite young man you are Max, even for an American. I'm so sorry to learn you don't like basketball, which presumably the school is forcing you to do. I understand just how you feel. I was young once.

You are obviously feeling guilty about letting your team down as your heart is not in the game, which leaves me wondering why it is that you are such a wimp? Is it just basketball you dislike or does it apply to all sport? Perhaps you would be better suited with ballet lessons or with some other girly pursuit?

But don't worry, it's not like it was in my day and age anymore. No, these days there are all kinds of support groups for homosexuals. They can do wonders in helping you accept the fact you're not a real man. Once you've accepted yourself for who you really are, you might start to notice how much more comfortable you feel wearing your mothers clothes. Then, perhaps after a sex change operation, the school could put you in the girl's basketball team instead.

I'm sure it would come as a relief to both yourself and the other boys, then their team won't be spoiled anymore by having to put up with some little gay fairy.

Wife Feels Neglected

“Dear Aunt Aggie, I don't know what to do. I feel like my husband of 15 years is really neglecting me. He is out working all day in an office, gets home exhausted, and never wants to take me anywhere when he gets home. He only wants to sit in front of the TV night after night. We used to have such an active social life, lots of friends, and romantic weekends away. Now all that has stopped, and I wonder if he even cares about me anymore.” — from Neglected Norma in North Shields

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: It's terrible the way men treat their women folk. Perhaps he has a lot to put up with at work and is too exhausted to make any effort when he gets home? It's also easy to get out of the habit of keeping up romantic gestures, and sometimes one can just 'take for granted' loved ones.

However, it is a fact that many wives are just too plain and undesirable for their husbands to give much thought to, especially after a hectic day chasing their secretaries around.

Were you always this unattractive I wonder, or were you better looking in your youth? Face up to the fact, woman, that he probably only married you to look after his house – which I'll bet is mortgaged in his name only.

Perhaps if you spent more time doing your household chores instead of wasting your time writing letters on the Internet, and applying a bit more make-up to cover over your unattractiveness, then you might not seem so offensive to him. Perhaps then he might even speak to you once in a while during the commercial breaks when watching TV. Though I don't know why anyone would want to talk to some boring housewife.

Smoking Boss Just Won't Quit!

“Dear wonderful Aunt Aggie, My boss insists on smoking around me all day long, and I can't stand it. I hate the smell, and I know the dangers of passive smoking. He doesn't seem to care about the effect it has on me. How can I get him to listen?” — from Josephine, age 46

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: I am amazed how in this day and age people can still be so selfish as to inflict their smoking habits on other people. Obviously he has no consideration for anyone but himself.

However, it's important to consider how he feels. Smokers often use their habit as a way to relax and deal with stress. Perhaps he feels a lot of pressure from his job, and it won't be helped by having to hear you moaning and complaining all the time. Cut him some slack and stop thinking only about your needs. Maybe you could help him relax by running to the newsagents once in a while to get his box of favourite tabs or buying him lighters.

Actually why not just start smoking yourself? After all, with you at your age you'd be very lucky to find another job, and the health risks aren't too important since you probably don't have much longer to live anyway. Either way, stop only thinking about yourself and start considering others, you selfish woman.

Can't Stop Pissing Myself!

“Dear loving Aunt Aggie, Please help! For the last year I've suffered from terrible incontinence. Whenever I am out shopping I have to rush home for the toilet. It's embarrassing. One of these days I'm worried I'll be ‘caught short’ and end up wetting myself. What's worse is that I'm only 45, I think I'm far too young to have this problem. I'm too embarrassed to go to our family doctor, and I can't face telling my husband. What do you suggest?” — from Desperate Dilly, 45, London

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: I sympathise, dear, I really do. Don't feel too bad about it, incontinence is a common problem, and can even effect younger people. So it's not unusual for a much older woman like yourself to get caught short, and it's a question of knowing how long to be out and about. Try not going too far from home or if visiting a strange town make sure you have a map of all the local toilets in the area.

Alternatively you could use incontinence pads, but I suspect you've already tried these unsuccessfully and that your friends and family stay away from you for the smell, in which case there's not a lot you can do except stay in the house next to the toilet bowl and keep a bucket of disinfectant and a mop handy.

Hopefully the neighbours might get used to the smell emitting from your house and not complain for some time to the Environmental Health Department, who incidentally are authorized to alert other authorities such as Social Services. They can easily have you forcefully removed from your home and put in suitable alternative accommodation, where you will have to spend the rest of your days being looked after by qualified staff until the funeral undertaker arrives.

Don't worry, I'm sure your family will still come and visit you, although I doubt they'll want to spend much time with a smelly old woman who wets herself.

Lady in Distress

“I am a lady of considerable wealth having been forced into living in one of those dreadful old peoples homes full of lower class imbeciles! I am absolutely disgusted by the smell from certain invalids who make me want to vomit! The peculiar thing is how everyone appears to be resigned to these terrible conditions and just ignore me when I talk about the situation. What can be done about it?” — From Lady Heightingon-Smythe

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: You poor thing. You have my heartfelt sympathy. I've heard just how smelly those places can be, so I suggest you dip a handkerchief in some cologne and wear it over your nose and mouth, not forgetting to remove it at meal times of course.

However, perhaps you are more aware of the problem than others because the smell is nearer than you care to admit. Try being honest with yourself dear! Isn't it a fact that people not only ignore you - but avoid you altogether?

Therefore why not ask the manager of the Home for an honest opinion, as at your time of life it should come as no surprise to learn that it is you yourself who is more than contributing to the overall pong in the Home. In fact they must be really nice people not to have pointed out your lack of hygiene before now, so you shouldn't feel embarrassed about approaching them as they will be quite used to having to deal with smelly old people like yourself.

Messy Family

“My husband and kids are always leaving the house in a mess. I've tried nagging them to pick up their clothes, clean up after themselves, etc, but they just won't listen. They don't seem to care how I feel, and I am really at the end of my tether. Please help.” — from Gwen, age 38

Loving Aunt Aggie replies: Obviously they are treating you like a doormat and you should have made them realise you are a normal human being not a carthorse. I do sympathise but wonder why you have allowed this to go on for so long? Can it be some underlying problem which is usually because of being overweight and/or unattractive?

However, don't despair because you can seek free psychiatric help. After all you may not be as ugly as they think you are. And I shouldn't worry TOO much about your husband running off with a more attractive and younger woman which only happens in 9 cases out of 10.

You may be one of the lucky ones whose husband will stand by her through thick and thin, though I doubt it from what you tell me in your letter. When your husband does leave you, you can always join weight-watchers and then when you regain your figure it might still be possible to meet someone else who isn't put off by your unattractiveness.

Though I doubt it at your age.