“Dear Aunt Aggie, I need some advice. My next door neighbour hasn't spoken to me since my beautiful prize pedigree Siamese cat got into his house and did a poo on his bedroom carpet. What can I do to make him understand that she is highly strung and it was just a nervous reaction to his shouting at her?” — from Catherine in Colchester
Loving Aunt Aggie replies: The poor thing! Siamese cats are such adorable little bundles of joy. Personally I have one I keep in my handbag for nights out at the Bingo hall (not the commoner's Bingo Hall, I mean the one for rich people like me, not the ones commoners like you lot go to). I understand how effete and delicate they are. She must have got an awful fright to do that on his carpet, and you must have been highly annoyed at the time.
However, contrary to popular belief not everyone in the world loves animals and certainly not felines! Have you any idea what your innocent little moggy is capable of? Although cats are ideal as mouse and rat catchers they are unfortunately also responsible for the high percentage of bird extinction, not to mention the digging up of plants and deposits of excrement left everywhere, also keeping people awake at night listening to their street fights and cat-calls.
Quite frankly, I think your neighbour has every right to sue you for not keeping your animal under control. The best course of action would be to not get any more animals, so as not to cause any future annoyance to your neighbours, and get the cat taken away and destroyed.